I have been
struggling with an issue for a while about this whole “blog” thing. I have
called it Unaccounted For, So Far for a reason. I feel I should have accomplished
more with my life by this point, that I still have things to do.
Yes, I am a
mother, and I worked hard at raising my kids to be adults who have good values
and I am very proud of them. I have worked hard to be a wife that is loving and
supportive to my husband. I was a good daughter who helped my parents with the
unexpected crises and struggles that came during their declining years. I
helped them to remain independent for as long as they safely could. I helped
them ease into their final days with sensitivity and love so that they would
meet God and join each other and their other loved ones again. I am not saying
that I was perfect at any of these, but I tried hard.
I also worked
at my various professions with passion. I was a social worker and then a
manager for a state agency for 30 years. I worked hard to be fair,
compassionate, and efficient with the tasks of the jobs. I tried to be
nonjudgmental as much as I could, recognizing that it could just as easily be
me sitting on the other side of the desk.
I spent 30+
years as a church musician at various churches. At each church, my family was
actively involved in the life of that church. I started out as a nervous,
frightened organist with not much skill, terrified of the minister and the
choir director and absolutely sure I was going to be fired every week. I
learned on the job and pretty soon I became confident and knew what to expect.
I eventually
went on to become the minister of music at the last church that I served. I
loved what I did. All three of my children joined the church there. My oldest
daughter was married there and my youngest daughter’s funeral was there. My nephew
and my in-laws funerals were also at that church. Then egos, politics,
miscommunication, misunderstandings, misread expectations ended our time at that church. We actually
left the denomination-partly because we knew that there was no local church we
were going to fit into and partly because of the change taking place within the
denomination. I didn’t want a split, a fight or hard feelings over my leaving.
I didn’t get to say goodbye and that hurt. It just wasn’t going to be possible
given the way things ended. I didn’t get closure.
This past
Sunday, Pastor Phil talked about Palm Sunday-duh! Of course, it was Palm
Sunday, after all. He talked about the expectations of the people who streamed
into Jerusalem for Passover and to see the Man everyone was talking about. Many
if not most were sure that this “Messiah” was coming into town with the plan to
kick butt and take over the government. That was what they wanted, dreamed,
expected. It was not what they got. He came with a very different agenda.
I really related
to what he had to say. “Sometimes it feels just broken, hurt, and sad. It
wasn’t the way we thought things would turn out. Everything changes now, and I
can’t catch a breath! I thought it was going to be… but it was… A Knock You in
the Gut Moment.”-Phil Owen
I understand
those feelings. I am sure many of you have had those feelings too. Life hasn’t
turned out the way you planned it. The very thing you thought would happen,
didn’t. Things got worse not better. You did everything the way you were
supposed to and still…
Eventually,
our family found a new church home at New Covenant Free Methodist, as noted
above, after spending the summer attending churches all over the area. We
attended services in Southern Oakland County, all the way up to Northern
Genesee County. I knew as soon as I walked into the building that I was home.
For the first several weeks I started crying every time we sang. It was a
cleansing, healing time for me. Wounds were deep and took time to close.
The style of
worship was much more edgy and modern without the structure of our previous
services. The music was mostly unfamiliar but comfortable, the size was large
yet it felt warm and cozy to just be there.
I found a new
niche there, eventually singing with the Praise Team, playing keyboard
part-time, playing in the Jazz Band (which meant I had to really learn how to
play jazz); and helping with stage design.
All the while healing my heart as I felt accepted for whatever I could
give or not give.
As time
passed, my health (breathing) became a problem- pneumonia, asthma attacks,
incessant coughing and I was unable to continue with my volunteer work. I was
no longer a reliable volunteer. This happened at the same time I was retiring
from my job with the State. Then my health crisis last August happened and that
is where Unaccounted For, So Far comes in. The skills that I had worked
so hard to develop over all those years, as a social worker, as a problem
solver, as a musician; those skills that I was so proud of, that I told myself
I felt closest to God when using, were no longer there for me. I couldn’t remember. I couldn’t hear. I
couldn’t tolerate sounds. I couldn’t… You see I had desires, wants, needs, EXPECTATIONS that I felt God was not
fulfilling. It sounds selfish now. It still hurts, and I still cry.
I have been
humbled in ways that I never thought I would. When I stopped being a
professional musician, I thought that was all that would get taken from me. I
still had my music. I could still sing, play the piano. Surely, God wouldn’t take any
more from me. I expected.
I thought that if I never played in public again, it would be okay. I could
still play privately, sing privately, and wait for His voice to tell me what to
do. I could still advise, counsel, listen and provide suggestions of resources
to people who were hurting and in need. I could still use my intellect to come
up with new plans; new ways, new…but God had different plans. I have prayed,
cried, waited, listened, started to heal.
Now, I find
that I am at a loss about what I should be doing. I am still not back to my
previous health and may never be. I think that eventually I may be able to
volunteer in the music area again in some capacity. Some sounds are feeling
more normal again but not all. I know that I am not ready yet. I once again cry
during the music on Sundays, knowing the tears are both about loss and healing.
I am drawn
more and more toward writing. I think it goes back to being unaccounted for, so
far. I have accomplished some very important things in my life. Let me take
that back. God has accomplished some very important things in my life. I have
gone through some unique experiences in my life that give me incite that may
help others. I don’t think that writing is about becoming a “famous author”. I
think this is about baring my soul and finding my voice, my center again. It’s
about listening to Him and healing my heart once again.
“This is our
creation story. God breathed His breath into you. You are free. -God’s
first commandment. We were designed for a healthy relationship. We were
designed to have no shame. God is in the business of renovating us”.- Phil Owen
For right
now, it is again a healing time-taking longer than I want it to, but God has a
plan and I have to show patience as His plan unfolds for me. This isn’t a new plan. This is part of His
plan from the beginning, from creation. I don’t understand it, but I am
starting to actually welcome it. God is good all the time.
4 comments:
I am reminded of Jer. 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you hope and a future."
I do know that our faith grows the best outside of our comfort zones. Perhaps this is what you are in now, a faith growing time~
I like that scripture. And you are right, maybe this is where I am right now. Thanks for reading and for giving your time to comment. It helps.
Thanks, tudging along the journey.
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