Off With Her Head!

I have not written since early April. I have no real excuses but I do know that I have kind of fallen down a rabbit hole. From what I have read while wandering the tunnels of said rabbit hole, I have discovered that I am experiencing what many beginner bloggers experience. I have gotten caught up in trying to find out the secrets to being a successful blogger and have been sucked into a vortex instead.  

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Do you realize how many blogs out there are just about how to blog better, faster, more successfully, how to get the perfect photo, what to copy-write, what to do when someone steals your stuff- writing, blogging, pictures, how to make money, make your blog more attractive, more ways to become famous, how to attract thousands of readers and find the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow? Well, that is exactly what happened to me.  

I just wanted to find out how to put a stupid button/widget/whatever on my blog page that allowed people to come to my blog from Facebook. Well, I never found out how or if it is even possible, but found out all kinds of stuff that I wasn't apparently doing "right"-no badge for my blog, no badges from other blogs, not checking "traffic", not using "SEO" words to draw new readers in, etc. etc. etc....AHHH! 

I had gotten myself so filled with angst that I couldn't start to post anything until I knew what I was really doing. Well, I still don't know what I am really doing, and I have several half written posts started. All I know is that what was fun and stress relieving for me suddenly became very stressful and not fun. 

So, I am trying to decide... no that is not true at all. I am not trying to decide. I am ignoring my blog. All I wanted was a button which evidently doesn't even exist and then the OCD in my personality roared out and I now have file folders, and notebooks, and copies of crap about programs that I don't even own all over the bedroom floor. This is too much. 

This is too much, on top of too much, on top of too much for me. I have this competitive nature that doesn't show up most of the time, but when it does, then it can become a problem- unlike the Cheerleader mom that shoots the competition. No, it comes out in self-destructive ways for me like doubt, anxiety, anger, depression, pressure that I have put on myself. 

This was to be the outlet for my feelings and memories, all so very helpful to someone who got very sick and no one had any real explanation. I am doing much better. I am very grateful to God for what He has done. I am still frustrated. So many doctors, so much medication for so many different health problems and these last tests which took one month just to get scheduled for a consult, then another month to take the tests, then another month and a half to get results can put someone on edge. 

Given the fact that I am still recovering after all this time from the stupid surgery last year that took away most of my hearing and the frustrations of learning to adjust to hearing in a different way and going through test after test after test and finding out that I have a brain that functions quite well, but I have issues with anxiety and depression... well, duh! Knew it, been dealing with it for years, take meds., see a great therapist, do the things that I have already been doing to keep myself healthy and that is all they can come up with?!? Not that I am ungrateful that my brain is fine but come on, anxiety and depression? I told you coming into this that those were issues. You didn't tell me anything that I didn't already know. I am disappointed. I expected that they were going to be able to give some guidance to help with the memory issues that are definitely there. They definitely were not there prior to the surgery.

I wrote this two days ago. I had Paul read it. I had my therapist read it and they both validated my feelings.  So I am posting this sucker. At their suggestion, I am also going to see a Specialist in Environmental Allergies/ Immunologist that has an integrated practice.  

I can't wait to get the survey in the mail.  Not feeling all warm and fuzzy about them right now. 

Let’s see if you can guess the feeling I am talking about right now children? Am I happy? No.  Am I nervous? No. Am I giggly? No. Am I FURIOUS? Yes I am.

Well, I started out writing about the rabbit hole and have ended up at the Croquet Party with Alice and the Queen shouting "Off with her Head!”

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*First Image attributed to http://media-cache3.pinterest.com/upload/60376451224524630_V33v8lG6_b.jpg

**Second Image attributed to http://media-cache2.pinterest.com/upload/287948969895088232_ly9CbGw0_b.jpg