I Can't Find My Blog

I have avoided it for as long as I can.  I have set up special spaces in the house.  Moved those spaces.  Filled them with all my little chotzkes to make the space perfect.  I found the perfect chair, that didn't turn out to be perfect.  Found another chair.  It still isn't comfortably perfect.  Found the perfect pens-Pilot V7 rolling ball, fine point, blue.  The perfect paper.  Yellow pads from Costco with heavy cardboard back.  Sams doesn't have the heavy cardboard back.  I have filled notebooks with quotes.  Read inspirational materials to help me get ready.  I even set up a beautiful blog page with a perfect title, Unaccounted For, So Far.  It has a beautiful background with Cherry Blossoms on it.  It is perfect.  I have every office supply that I could ever need.  I was finally ready.  I had talked about it.  I had planned for it.  I had it all set...



Then life happened.  I got sick.  I guess I should say sicker.  I have been chronically ill for more than two years with a myriad of symptoms.  I even retired because I knew the health issues were getting in the way of doing my job perfectly.  So, my plan was to retire, get healthy because I had retired.  That plan didn't happen.  I was going to travel.  That didn't happen because the stock market and my spouse and I didn't use common sense and lost a lot and I mean a lot of money that was going to make retirement comfortable.

Suddenly, medical bills kept mounting, even with great health insurance.  The doctor we loved was no longer in the network, which made it much more expensive and she became much more unavailabe, the kind of unavailable that made me think she was no longer practicing medicine, even though her office was still answering the phone.

Finding a new doctor came after finding a new therapist.  Yes, I see a therapist.  I have for a long time and will continue to.  I have taken breaks, not for long, and each of the four therapists that I've seen have helped me during seperate, difficult periods of my life.  More about that at some other time.  I am getting off track.

So, I finally had a doctor that treated me as if she heard me and listened.  She referred me to other doctors, one of which finally felt I needed a surgical procedure- just a biopsy of my lung  (Just is the understatement of the year), since I coughed and nothing, (Prednisone, cough syrups, codeine, shots of steroids, breathing treatments of albuterol) I mean nothing helped.  Pneumonia, bronchitits, infections, visits to the emergency room, you name it happened. The procedure was supposed to be in and out, over night or two nights tops, no big deal. 

Well it just turned into a life changing big deal.  It's nobodies fault, just one of the risks of surgery and now I don't remember where my beautiful, perfect blog sight is.  I don't remember four days of my life.  I don't remember.  Now that I am ready to write, to say something, I don't remember.  Right now, life is pretty much stinking rotten. I cry about it. I sob about it.  I cry and sob.  I am irritated beyond belief and I don't just grieve over my losses.  Life has changed, forever changed.

Pastor Phil is talking about The New Norm.  I have a New Norm- one that I don't like right now.  I am not ready to accept it.  I hate the norm that has been forced on me.  The isolation of that norm is compounding the issue.  It also brings up all the old stuff from my past.  More on that at another time. 

Suffice it to say, that  right now I alternate between sad, and mad, and frustrated, irritated, anxious and so angry.  I don't even want to acknowledge it at this point. 

I have a CAT Scan/ or an MRI tomorrow.  I don't even remember which it is.  I have each word written on different calendars and I expect that I am going to be right back to the spot I was pre-biopsy.  My lungs will look like crap.  Nothing has changed, yet everything has changed.

By the way, I still have no idea where my blog site is.